What's polyamory, then?
From alt.polyamory
Polyamory means "loving more than one".
This love
may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or any
combination thereof, according to the desires and
agreements of
the individuals involved, but you needn't wear
yourself out
trying to figure out ways to fit fondness for apple
pie, or
filial piety, or a passion for the Saint Paul Saints
baseball
club into it. "Polyamorous" is also used as
a descriptive term by
people who are open to more than one relationship even
if they
are not currently involved in more than one. (Heck,
some are
involved in less than one.) Some people think the definition is
a bit loose, but it's got to be fairly roomy to fit
the wide
range of
poly arrangements out there.
But isn't that "cheating"?
Nope.
Oh, you wanted a longer answer. Okay. According to the OED,
cheating
means "fraud, deceit, swindling." There's a nice quote
from 1532: "The first...ground of Chetinge is...a
studdy to seme
to be, and not to be in deede." In other words, cheating is to
convey through deliberate action the impression that
one is of a
particular nature while one is, in fact, something
quite
different. What this boils down to with polyamory is
that
polyamorous people do not tell partners, lovers, or
prospective
members
of those groups that they are monogamous when in fact
they are not -- nor do they allow these
people to assume they are
monogamous, regardless of how convenient
or personally
advantageous such assumptions might
be. The words "honest",
"negotiate",
"communication" and "being out" occur frequently in
discussions of how polyamory usually
works.
As Stef puts it:
"I think the key in defining
polyamory is *openness*, that is,
having multiple relationships with the
knowledge and consent of
your partner(s) rather than by
deceit. (How much openness, how
many details are shared, of course varies
widely.) A great many
people have secret affairs while they're
in a supposedly
monogamous relationship. I think those
people might have the
potential to be polyamorous, but I do not
think they are
practicing polyamory. Another key in defining polyamory, IMO,
is
that it need not involve sex (although it
often does)."
Generally speaking, if someone openly
practices "more than one
love" and calls themself polyamorous,
they probably are; if they
practice "more than one love"
and call themself monogamous, do
not adjust your television: the problem is
*not* in your
receiver.
Primaries, secondaries, vees and triads:
polyjargon and polygeometry
Since there are lots of different ways to
organize (or not
organize, if one is blessed by the Goddess
of Chaos, or has a
taste for happy anarchy, or is a principled
egalitarian)
relationships, it follows that there are
ways of describing these
various arrangements. This polyjargon has evolved in the
newsgroup over time, and the words are
merely descriptives. No
approval or disapproval of any particular
arrangement is to be
expressed or implied.
Primary - word often used
in a hierarchal multi-person
relationship to denote the person with
whom one is most strongly
bonded. In some cases this bond or commitment takes the form of
legal marriage. As bigamy is not legal, the option of having two
(or more) legally wedded primaries
simultaneously is not
currently practicable, though non-legal
ceremonies may certainly
be performed. In some cases "primary" refers to the lover with
the most seniority.
Secondary - follows from
primary, in a hierarchal relationship,
denotes a person with whom one is involved
without the emotional,
legal, or economic complexities and
commitments of primary
bonding.
Yes, some people talk about tertiaries and
so on. Some people
also don't like the terms primaries and
secondaries or the
concepts behind the terms, preferring to
have "a circle of
equals" as one poly person called
it. Stef contributed the term
"Non-hierarchical Polyamory" for
this kind of arrangement.
Triads - three people
involved in some way. Often used
in a
fairly committed sense, in some cases
involving ceremonies of
commitment, but also used simply to mean
"three people who are
connected". Example: "Jodine, Mischa and Mickey are a FMM triad
living in Excelsior."
Vee - Three people,
where the structure puts one person at the
bottom, or "hinge" of the vee,
also called the pivot point. In a
vee, the arm partners are not as commonly
close to each other as
each is to the pivot.
Triangle (or equilateral
triangle) - relationship where three
people are each involved with both of the
others. Sometimes also
called a triad.
Line Marriage - term from the
works of Robert A. Heinlein,
science fiction writer, meaning a marriage
that from time to time
adds younger members, eventually
establishing an equilibrium
population (spouses dying off at the same
rate as new ones are
added). This is a different form of familial immortality than
the traditional one of successive
generations of children.
(Definition courtesy of M. Schafer, and
yes, there are people who
are in situations like this who use the
term to describe their
family.)
Polyfidelity:
Relationship involving more than two people who
have made a commitment to keep the sexual
activity within the
group and not have outside partners. (Rumor has it that this
term was coined by the group
Kerista.)
Quads, pentacles, sextets and more: There
are polyfolk who exist
in multiple arrangements with more than
three members. Geometry
can get complicated, and creative
nomenclature abounds. As in
every other aspect of polyamory, the
precise bonds of intimacy
vary from group to group and from member
to member within groups.
What about jealousy?
Some people seem to have no jealousy; it's
as if they didn't get
that piece installed at the factory. Others, including some
long-term polyamorists, feel jealousy,
which they regard as a
signal that something needs investigation
and care, much as they
would regard depression or pain. Jealousy is neither a proof of
love (and this is where polyamory differs
from possessive or
insecure monogamy) nor a moral failing
(and this is where
polyamory differs from emotionally
manipulating one's partner(s)
into relationships for which they are not
ready).
Are there rules for being polyamorous?
Nobody has a trademark on How It's Done, if that's
what you mean.
The best anyone can do is tell how it
works for them, and as with
most other things, YMMV. (That means
"Your Mileage May Vary.")
Some people have "rules of
thumb".
Joe and Kat:
"Your needs come first.
We'll talk about everything.
What they said."
Elise:
"Since a certain 'learning
experience' I have felt strongly
that I should never allow my
relationship with a new person
to be a tool used to avoid dealing with
a 'broken' other
relationship. In fact, one of the things I am most careful
about is 'emotional spillover'; I have a
policy of not
spending intense time with otherloves
when there is something
out of balance with one love. Naturally this tends to speed
up the opening of negotiations about the
difficulty. ;-) I
think it's unfair to my loves to use the
time I spend with
them as a palliative when there's
trouble elsewhere; it keeps
me from doing the work I need to do, the
work I agreed to do
when I took on the reality of the
relationship."
If you want rules of thumb, you get to
make them up yourself. No
warranty expressed or implied, and keep
checking the instrument
panel throughout your flight.
How do you decide who sleeps where when?
This is the most often asked question in
panel discussions of
polyamory, making some polyfolk wonder why
sex is more
interesting than the emotional and other
intimacies of
polyamorous life. The answer is that the people involved
decide,
and they decide *how* they decide,
too. Some people have
conferences and divide up the week, some
people all pile happily
into one big bed, and for all I know some
people spin a big wheel
with blinking lights on it each
evening....and some people can
love one another, have no sex, and choose
to live in separate
homes if that is most comfortable for
them. The answer usually
evolves out of discussion, empathy and
practice, which makes it a
lot like good lovemaking.
As jack says:
"The thing to remember is that the
sexuality of a relationship is
not the most important aspect of it. The best thing I can do for
either of my partners is meet them at the door
with a buttered
biscuit and a smile."
Why do some posts talk about Hot Bi Babes?
It's a newsgroup joke referring to the
occasional post from
someone, almost always identifying himself
as a straight male,
who is seeking "hot" (i.e.
sexually arousing) bisexual female
partners to save him from the monotonies
of the back rack at his
local video rental shop. The term Hot Bi Babe is almost always
used sarcastically, occasionally by those
of us who really are
hot bi babes, to lampoon those who regard
our sexual preferences
as a spectator sport. (Our crankiness has more to do with the
frequency and ineptitude of clueless
approaches than it does with
the acceptability of fantasies or anything
like that.)
(and where can I get some?)
Posting personal ads to alt.flame is
usually a good strategy;
alt.dev.null is another good
bet. Best of luck, and keep those
cards and letters.
Are all polyfolk bisexual?
No. There are many polyamorous people who are also bisexual,
and many who
are monosexual (i.e. relating only to one gender as
potential or actual sexual/romantic
partners; straight or
gay/lesbian). There are also lots of folks who don't do sexual
preference/orientation labels at all. One doesn't always know
until one asks, as with so many other
things. Avoiding
assumptions is usually worth the exercise.
Do polyamorous relationships last?
Some do, some don't, just like any other
kind of relationships.
Some folks on the newsgroup have been
together for many years;
some own houses and have children
together. Being polyamorous is
no guarantee that relationships will be
easier, though there can
be advantages to shared joys and shared
sorrows, as the old
saying goes.
How can I tell if I am polyamorous?
I'm not sure; only you will know, and
according to the philosophy
of some folks, people aren't polyamorous,
although behavior can
be.
Some people find that approach useful, and others prefer to
think of "polyamorous people".
Some polyfolk tend to recognize themselves
in the descriptions,
and can only be restrained with difficulty
from jumping up and
down and screeching, "See! See! I *knew* it wasn't just me!
Hooray!" If you aren't sure you're poly, the best practice is
probably to act kindly and responsibly,
and to communicate
clearly to the best of your ability as you
learn; come to think
of it, that's the best practice for
polyfolk, too, so you'll be
one of the crowd anyhow. Besides, being polyamorous is not
inherently "better" than being
monogamous, so there's no need to
feel like you have to pledge allegiance or
anything like that
just to hang out and look at the
questions.
Another thing to consider is that the word
"polyamorous" is, like
all labels, just a tool. What you do and how you treat the
people you love is probably more important
to them, in the long
run, than whether you fit a particular
descriptive term, so don't
sweat it, okay? And take good care of each other.
An alternate point of view:
"There aren't polyamorous and
monogamous people; there are
polyamorous and monogamous
relationships. The same person may
at various times be happy in both
monogamous and polyamorous
relationships at various times in
his/her life. What is right
depends on you and your feelings, and
the feelings of those
you are involved in relationships with.
You may at some times
be involved in a relationship that is
monogamous, and that
may be the right thing for the people in
that relationship;
at other times, you may be in a
relationship which works
better as part of a polyamorous network
of relationships. In
any case, the important thing is
probably to act kindly and
responsibly, and to communicate clearly
with intimate
partners and potential partners about
these issues. Don't
deny your feelings or the feelings of
those that you care
about. Get in touch with how you and
those you care about
really feel, rather than how society
wants you to feel, or
how you think it would be logical to
feel, or how you've been
told polyamorous people (or monogamous
people) should
feel. Then behave in ways which are
honest, and which make
you, and the people you care about, and
the people they care
about, happy and fulfilled. If this results
in you having
more than one intimate relationship at
the same time, or
being involved in a relationship with
more than two people,
those who are big on categorizing and
labeling people will
label you a 'poly person'."
What about living together and commitment and
marriage and all that?
Good question. Ask it; there are many, many approaches among people.
From co-housing to communal living to group marriage to things-
undreamed, there are a multitude of ways. Design a new one and
see how it works. Unlearn assumptions about an old arrangement.
Ask questions, and practice empathy.
Most of all, polyamory seems to be about
building new
configurations of relationships rather
than trading people in and
out like baseball cards. As amanda r.
clark says:
"Poly is being open to the
opportunity if it comes along, not
refusing commitments because something
better might come
loping down the path."
What will the children think?
As Martin Schafer says:
"If you don't think you are doing
anything wrong, and can
honestly explain that, they'll probably
think it's pretty
neat. For some of us having more people involved in child
rearing is a big practical benefit of
our lifestyle. The
details of how this works is a fertile
topic for discussion,
both here and among the individuals
involved."
How does a person start (or continue) a poly
relationship?
First, there are no rules. Nobody owns the copyright on
polyamory. You get to build your own to fit you and your
dearloves.
One thing that comes up in every
conversation about polyamory is
communication. If there is any basic building block, this is
probably it. If you can talk about your
hopes, you're on the way
to realizing them.
If you're in a relationship already, and
have not talked about
how you feel and what you want, and you're
asking the question
"How do I start doing this poly
stuff?", you may have some qualms
about talking to your partner. What you do will have to be
determined by your own ethics and your own
situation; chances are
that if you ask on the newsgroup, many
polyfolk will suggest you
talk it over with your partner, and they
may point out that even
if you two do not decide to live
polyamorously, you may very well
increase the intimacy level in your monogamous dyad by having the
discussion.
On the other hand, it may all go blooey,
and this is why people
hesitate. On the third hand, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
On the fourth hand, it might be useful to
increase the intimacy
level in the existing relationship and
address any outstanding
difficult issues there *before* having
this particular
discussion. Four more hands and you've got
a nice statue of Kwan
Yin there, and seeing as how she's the
Goddess of Mercy, she
might come in handy at a time like this.
Joe Avins feels that it's not a good idea
to try to force a
relationship into an attractive model; he
favors the "relax, be
open, and see what happens" approach,
and quotes Pete Seeger:
"Take it easy, but take it."
If you're already in more than one
relationship and haven't
disclosed this yet, you will find people
on the newsgroup who
have experienced similar
things - from all three sides - and are
willing to discuss their perceptions and
the actions they took.
How do I explain this to people?
David Rostcheck says:
"You don't have to explain yourself
at all, or answer to
anyone. You're happy. Your feelings require no
justification. It's a mistake to try to
reconcile what you
feel with a social classification,
because the classification
may not really suit you. You start with your feelings,
understand them and be comfortable with
them. You, your
feeling, and the people you care about
are the important
things. You're getting in this unnatural, inverted position
of trying to explain yourself. You don't
have to explain
yourself to the world. You just are, and
your relationship
just is. If other people want to
understand it, then you try
to explain to them in basic terms what
you feel, and that
you're happy.
"Here's how I'd deal with some
specific questions:
":Are you seeing my daughter or
this other girl?
I'm seeing them both.
":So you're cheating on her?
No. They both know; we're all
friends and we're happy that
way.
":Well, which do you love?
I love them both.
":Which do you love more?
I don't understand the question. They're
different
people. How do you measure?
":Why don't you commit to one of
them?
Why can't I commit to both of
them?
"See? You don't have to bend over
backwards to express
yourself in their terms. They may have
to learn your terms to
understand you. You're not the one who doesn't
understand;
they have to put in the work to
comprehend you. Remember, the
bunch of you have something that comes
naturally and feels
right for you; whether or not other
people get it is a
secondary issue. As long as you do what
you want you'll be
happy.
"Does that help any?"
Is there a secret poly handshake?
Not that I know of. ;-) There are several
proposed symbols, of
which the most common seems to be the
parrot. As parrot pins and
other ornaments are relatively easy to
find, this symbol seems
likely to catch on over the others. It also has the advantage of
being humorous, which is a needed quality
in such a staid,
conservative group as alt.poly. (Joke, folks! Set irony filters
on stun.)