Article in Relationship Coaching Institute E-zine 

February 2004

 

“Succulent Soulful Relationships for Singles!”

by Frances Amaroux 

 

 

I’m writing a book called “HugBuddies and Bonk Buddies.... and the purpose of the book is to give people the vocabulary and guidelines to increase closeness, intimacy and touch whilst being single and supposedly ‘out of a relationship’.

 

Another purpose of the book is to dispel some of the myths we have around being single – myths that tend to increase shame and isolation and limit single peoples’ full abilities to grow personally and relate in intimate ways.

In a follow-up article I have some nitty-gritty ‘How to..” guidelines for conducting conscious, respectful and succulent HB/BB relationships.

 

So what are these buddies? Here’s my official description:

 

"HugBuddy" – HB for short - is a word describing a particular form of non-exclusive relationship between two or more people that involves negotiated levels of touching, hugging and cuddling and even sleeping together - but is non-sexual in nature.

 

“BonkBuddy”-  BB for short– is similar to a “HugBuddy”, though it includes various levels of negotiated sexual activity between 2 people who have no present intention of creating a committed relationship.

 

So why am I promoting these forms of relationships? Aren’t I opening up a can or worms by encouraging people to have more sex and touch – when our religions and societies have spent millennia putting very strong restrictions around these behaviours?

 

Let’s be clear - single people, especially in western societies, are having HB/BB relationships all the time, anyhow!  - usually, not very consciously, and often, quite harmfully. My aim in legitimising these relationships, in bringing them into the light (so to speak ;-), is to provide people with the skills to negotiate these relationships more respectfully and lovingly and successfully.

 

Here are my assumptions about relationships:

 

·      We need practice in intimate relating when we’re single, not just when we’re coupled.

 

·      ALL relationships are holy/wholly – ie capable of creating increased wholeness. Every time you even look at someone, you are having a relationship with them.

 

·      We need to become conscious and communicate more in ALL of our relationships.

 

·      We need more touch

 

·      Sexuality is aliveness, the life force expressing itself thru our bodies. It is completely neutral as to whether we are single or coupled. We can choose to express it consciously or unconsciously.

 

 

 

We all want to love and be loved. Period.

How do we know we are loved? One of the most fun ways is when we experience intimacy through physical touch and emotional/intellectual/spiritual connection.

 

And yet, here are some trends we hear every day:

·      Greater numbers of people are spending greater amounts of time single that ever before.

·      Both women and men are waiting longer before they marry, live together 

      or commit in some way.

·      Marriage break-ups continue just above 50%

 

Myth 1 - deep intimacy and touch can only be obtained ‘within’ committed relationships

 

Though there is little doubt that the deepest forms of growth and intimacy are achieved within committed relationships, this does not necessarily mean that all sorts of intimacy cannot be experienced within other forms of relationships. The difference that makes a difference is honesty and communication.

 

A number of years ago, I decided to research the issue of the taboo against touch. I read a great book by Phyllis R. Davis called “the Power of Touch”. It very powerfully brought home to me just how touch-starved we are – especially in the west. She called our need for touch, ‘skin-hunger’.  I began to notice something about my clients and friends and even myself - that we had all sorts of healthy and no-so-healthy ways of getting our touch needs met.

 

One of the healthier ways was to go to crowded places and end up inadvertently being rubbed against for much of the evening (most people will not admit to this!). Massage, family, group and individual hugs, and touchy-feely workshops are some other ways.

 

A not-so-healthy way is to have one-night-stands.  I believe that women in particular often find themselves having sex when they really just want touch and intimacy. Having a one-night-stand can be a wonderful sexy experience, if it is done with full awareness, but usually it isn’t. And this results in poor communication, hurt feelings and growing cynicism with relationships that can take years to get over. (Isn’t it funny that we so often use the word’ intimacy’ in sexual contexts ……..and yet intimacy is something so much broader than just sexuality !

 

 

Another way that we fulfil this basic need for touch and intimacy and sex, is for men and women to find themselves in a series of short-lived monogamous relationships – better know as serial monogamy - relationships that they didn’t really consciously choose. Their heart/body chose, but didn’t consult the head. Though these needs could be met by any number of people and situations – including HB/BB relationships -  many people get confused and forget to balance heart/body with head. They begin to believe that because someone may be providing sex, touch and some forms of intimacy in the present, that they are ‘the one’ for the on-going future. Not necessarily so, as many of us have learned to our detriment. This issue is the basis for Life Partner Quest coaching

 

 

.My aim in supporting HB/BB relationships is to give people the opportunity to assuage skin hunger and sexual needs whilst experiencing wonderful levels of intimacy whilst practicing great communication and self esteem skills whilst they are single. Wonderful practice for when you attract and create a committed relationship!!

 

I mentioned earlier that, up until now, HugBuddy and especially BonkBuddy relationships can often end up being quite harmful to the people involved.

 

One reason is that they are not perceived as ‘real’ relationships – they are rarely talked about, and you tend not to introduce your BonkBuddy to your friends or your HugBuddy to your family! Because they are ‘illegitimate’ relationships – as with ‘illegitimate children in the past - many people tend not to treat them with the respect they deserve. If you’re not really having a relationship, you have no ‘right’ to want to communicate about it, ask for what you want and negotiate your needs etc.

 

Here’s an example of a regular unconscious BB relationship…

 

A client of mine, Margaret, was having an ‘unofficial’ Bonk Buddy relationship with a guy who lived not far from her. ‘Unofficial’, in that, they had never discussed what they were up to – it was ‘understood’ (danger, danger!!). Because she was fairly easy-going and casual about the situation, it took her awhile before she noticed a pattern of last minute cancellations or outright no-shows without apologies. When she eventually spoke up about his behaviour, he seemed to have no idea that he was doing anything inappropriate or hurtful. The sense she got from him was that basically, she was only 2 steps up from a prostitute, and therefore couldn’t really have much say about what went on – or even any right to have any feelings about the situation!!

 

 After coaching, she realised, that they had different rules about how to conduct the relationship, and that if she had legitimised their relationship as a BonkBuddy one, and had a format to communicate what was happening and what she needed from the relationship – she would have prevented a whole lot of heartache - and maybe chosen a little bit better in the first place.

 

Unconscious forms of relating such as this can become habitual and get carried over into ‘committed’ relationships. It is reasonable to be wary of the well-seasoned bachelor who has rarely been in a relationship longer than 2 months. S/he has learned a whole bunch of shallow habits in relating and would need to learn a raft of skills before s/he was able to make a good go of a committed relationship.

 

So do we tut-tut, moralise and discourage such relationships (how often does prohibition ever work?) – or invite and coach people on how to conduct these relationships with greater levels of respect and awareness?

 

Obviously I suggest the latter, so let’s take a look at the guidelines…

 

But first, a caveat – if you don’t have reasonably healthy emotional boundaries and a certain level of skill in communicating, most of my guidelines are not going to be that useful. But they will certainly give you a taste of how to learn to have clear boundaries and to ask for what you want in relationships.
 

All rights Reserved - 2004 - Frances Amaroux